I’m back for round two! I hope I can manage to get these out on Wednesdays because Witch Works Wednesdays sounds kind of cool. Also SPOILERS.
On to the review!
OMG ZELDA KILLS HILDA WHAT IS HAPPENING I HATE THIS SHOW.
Yes. I’ll get to that in a second. Just had to get it off my chest.
We pick up where we left off, with Sabrina, the aunties, Ambrose and Blackwood in the parlor discussing Sabrina’s upcoming marriage to Satan dark baptism. Sabrina pulls zero punches in her questions to Blackwood. She asks if she’ll have free will, reminds him that the Devil (“DARK LORD”…omg is this Harry Potter fanfic??) is the embodiment of evil, and blurts out in the most teenager way possible, “I’m not an evil person!” Her doubts about this business carry through the show.
In a cool little trick, Zelda spies on Hilda confiding in Sabrina that if she could go back, she’d have burned the woods down before her dark baptism. Ooops. You pissed her off, Hilda! So later, as Hils is marveling at her turnips, Zelda wallops her on the head with a shovel then buries her in the garden with the aforementioned turnips. OMG NO. Because I love the character but also, she was one of the only allies Sabrina has.
After Susie gets into a fight with the school assholes, Sabrina goes to Miss Wardwell/Satan’s Lady. Wardwell suggests that she should “fight fire with hellfire.” Natch.
Sidenote: Michelle Gomez is fantastic in general. In the role, she sort of looks like she’s about to throw off her clothes and have an orgy with whomever is in the room.
I digress.
And who does Sabrina enlist to help her fight? The Succubitches!
They lure the guys into a mine, give them a tale about it being a gateway to hell, then take off their clothes. Under those Wednesday Addams getups, they’re full-on burlesque with black lingerie, garters and stockings. After a trick that makes the boys think they’re making out with the hot girls, they realize they’re making out with…each other.
I mean…I guess? It comes of a tad homophobic. Like…’this is the worst thing we could do!’ Maybe it makes sense because the boys were making fun of Susie for her gender fluidity and so forth, so maybe having them confront what’s probably at the heart of their own behavior IS the way to get to them? Dunno.
Sidenote: I have two sons. And on some level, everything I watch/read/consume is filtered through the lens of parenthood. So when I see boys acting like these guys, I feel afraid that my sons would ever be like that. Don’t be assholes, kids!
Also, this scene reminds me of the movie Heathers. When Veronica (a name from the Archie comic-verse) and JD lure the asshole football players into a clearing, shoot them, and then write suicide notes that imply they were gay.
Ram Sweeney: [after watching J.D. flirt with Veronica] Let’s kick his ass!
Kurt Kelly: Shit, Ram – we’re seniors, man. We’re too old for that kind of crap. Let’s give ‘im a good scare, though.
[They walk to where J.D. is sitting]
Ram Sweeney: [Sticking his fingers into J.D.’s lunch] You gonna eat this?
Kurt Kelly: What did your boyfriend say when you told ‘im you were movin’ to Sherwood, Ohio?
Ram Sweeney: Answer him, dick!
Kurt Kelly: Hey Ram, doesn’t this cafeteria have a “No Fags Allowed” rule?
J.D.: Well they, uh, seem to have an open door policy for assholes though, don’t they?
Kurt Kelly: What did you say, dickhead?
J.D.: [He sighs, stands, and pulls out a gun] I’ll repeat myself.
[He shoots Kurt and Ram]
This scene ends up being interesting because Sabrina asks Prudence about the whole dark baptism arrangement. She voices her concerns and Prudence is like, “Yeah but…you get power so…it’s even.” (Nope not how that words, Pru.) When Sabrina says she wants both, Prudence says, with a hint of resignation, that “he’ll never let you do that.”
Uggghhhhh and you know why? “Because he’s a man, isn’t he?”
Cue my rage against the patriarchy. I know, I know, it’s not like Prudence (or anybody) is going to be like, “Oh yeah, that is SO going to work out!” but I am really hoping hoping this show is going to turn that bullshit on its ear.
Carrying on.
Sabrina seems to decide she’s going to go through with things, especially after (a returned, alive, and very contrite) Hilda tries to calm her fears. She decides she’ll have one more night of fun with her friends and heads out (in her mom’s AMAZING wedding dress) to a Halloween party at Ros’s house. I love that Susie is dressed like Eddie Munster.
At the appointed hour, Sabrina runs off to the woods to do the baptism thing, at which point her white dress turns black (except NOT her slip. I love how magic is so dumb sometimes.)
The baptism grotto is full of the coven members, including Miss Wardwell hiding behind a tree. Blackwood orders the aunts to undress Sabrina (which is how we know her slip didn’t get all black), and I’m not sure why she doesn’t have to get totally naked (probably the show didn’t want to ‘go there’). At the last minute, Sabrina decides NOPE and runs home.
She arrives bloody and muddy, followed by the coven carrying torches. Ambrose protects her and the coven leaves. But Zelda is MAD.
There are a couple final scenes, including one where principal Hawthorne is briefly possessed by Satan himself in order to remind Sabrina that he is in control here, not her.
Final observations and questions on the episode:
WHY is everybody so keen on Sabrina signing her name in the book? The aunts say both that they promised their brother (Sabrina’s father) and that they have no choice. Why is Wardwell/Madam Satan (thanks IMDB!) so bent on getting Sabrina to the Academy of Unseen Arts?
There are no boys at the Academy of Unseen Arts, according to a throw-away comment from one of the Weird Sisters. WHY NOT? Where do THEY go?
Why do Ambrose and Hilda have British accents and Zelda (played by Australian actress Miranda Otto) has a mostly American accent?
Why doesn’t anybody notice Miss Wardwell at the baptism? I mean, if you go to the same church all the time, you can tell the ones who have never been there. Just sayin…
I would like Zelda’s entire wardrobe please. Right now.
Zelda says of Hilda, “You’ll be the death of me. And I of you.” And she mentions that at some point, she’ll kill Hilda and Hilda will STAY dead. Which…Oh man. HARSH.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO SLASH THE PALM WHEN YOU NEED SOME BLOOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I know it’s looks dramatic and all but it is SO DUMB.
That’s all for now! Tune in next week for Chapter three! And tell me what you think of the show in the comments.
The Writing Spider 