In which the Spider gets a tan

I have Skin Issues. You can read this post about it. I recently decided that it’s time to try a new method of treatment – the tanning bed. UV light therapy is good for some things, like killing germs and making you feel happier on account of all that vitamin D and whatnot. But this eczema thing is really harshing my mellow and this shit is going to STOP.

Besides, Stupidly Sensitive Skin, and Allergies, I am also pale. Fair. White. Alabaster. Ivory. You’ve heard of black holes? I’m a white hole and I repel light. I used to tan naturally – being outside a lot, swim team stuff. I got golden brown and had big thick sunny highlights. That all went to hell when I hid tweenhood. I’ve never been a sun worshipper or a tanner – I don’t want the wrinkles or the skin cancer, and my skin type (pale + freckles + moles) is easy to damage.

But this eczema thing.

I’ve been to a local chain sun salon twice now.

I don’t like it yet.

I’m generally not claustrophobic but the tanning bed feels like I’m inside a microwave. I’m TERRIFIED of opening my eyes even a little (oh, yeah, I wear the goggles). I feel like Lot’s wife – if I open my eyes I’ll be turned into a pile of ash. Or blinded. Or whatever. Thank God I only do 5 minutes at a time right now or I’d need a Xanax to get through it. The second time I went, the bed had this face tanner thingy. I turned the bed on and then my face got hotter and it got REALLY bright and I was like, “OH, no, it’s the rapture and I’m in my knickers in a tanning bed.” And I couldn’t open my eyes because BLAM blindness so I scootched up so that the Rapture was on my chest, not my face, and that was better. I still ran out of the place so fast I forgot my necklace and had to call them and make sure no Snookis tooki my gemstones.

If this works it will be so very worth it though because I’m just fed up with the whole thing. I get eczema all over my neck and collarbones and it looks like I’m wearing a dickey made of dragon skin. NOT cool.

I will keep you posted, dear readers.



1 Comment

  1. I “stumbled upon” your blog looking for something completely unrelated. Good for you to have discovered the benefits of a tanning bed. The real thing is better, i.e., outside sun, but if you live north of the 40th parallel, you’re not going to get enough sunlight to benefit your health from October until May. The cosmetic industry, and somehow the dermatological (I thought they were doctors and weren’t supposed to do any harm) industry, has scared people out of the sun for going on two decades. Therefore, there has been an increase in cancer rates because truth be told, UV light (vitamin D3) prevents cancers, not causes it. Check it out. The pharmaceutical industry has nothing to gain by people being healthy, only by people being sick. When I was a child, moms gave their kids cod liver oil (vitamin C3) in winter. God knows I spent every single minute outside when I was a kid, no sunscreen. I’m 52, have beautiful skin and the bones of a young adult. Yes, I’m a sun worshiper. Go figure. It just feels right. We must remember that were it not for the sun, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

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