Now that April is mostly over…

…let’s talk about why March came in like a lion and pooped all over my life. (Warning: Number 5 is a total TMI/pity party.)

1. First speeding ticket Yes, dear readers. I’ve been pulled over many a time, I admit, but this was the first one that stuck. Officer C with his frightening mustache said I was going 54 in a 35, but I call shenanigans because I know the city needs MONEY.

Not SOME.

Not HALF.

ALL THE MONEY.

So they ticket everybody. It’s so bad, I was waiting at a stoplight the other day, and I saw a squirrel get a ticket for jaywalking. True story.

2. First car accident And there goes Oona, my ’96 Volvo 850. I like to say this woman front-ended me out of nowhere, but I suspect the police report suggests I rear-ended her. I’m fine. The car is not fine. So I’ve been driving my Dad’s 1903 Buick Landcruiser with a pro-life sticker on the bumper. Goooooood times. Anyway, I felt like such a prize idiot for having an accident. It was stupid. Stupid stupid stupid. And now I have to get a new car – which means…scraping up some money to buy a ten year old tin can on wheels. Um…yay.

3. Speaking of my dad… He’s back in chemo and frankly, he’s not doing well. He’s sick/nauseated a lot of the time. For those who wonder, it started as prostate cancer and has since decided to take a little tour through my dad via some bones and lymph nodes. This is why I have his car – he isn’t feeling well enough to drive it himself.

4. Bridezilla So, I have started a cake business while I am unemployed. People are buying cakes. They are not buying my writing, so I’m sticking with what works. CAKE. To make a really long stupid story shorter and less stupid…..  Bridezilla (in her 50’s and this is her FIFTH wedding) asked me to do her wedding cake and then insisted I have a tasting for her and her friend. I tried to make it a bigger event by inviting more brides, which didn’t work – it was a busy weekend – and I canceled the event for everybody EXCEPT BRIDEZILLA….she took a flying leap off Lunatic Ridge and landed square in a big pool of Crazy Juice. She flipped out and left me a really nasty voicemail then refused to return my calls, which I made in an effort to explain the misunderstanding. Never heard from her again. A bullet dodged, to be sure, but it was stressful anyway.

5. General suckage I know this is going to sound like a pity party. But…combined with the four items above, the general status of my life seemed worse: No job. No income. Can’t have babies because health insurance won’t cover maternity for a year and I can hear my ovaries turning to dust in there while I wait for a job/the year to be up and maternity benefits to kick in/Husband gets a job (he’s in nursing school)/somebody says, ‘Go ahead and get knocked up, we’ll cover the stupid hospital crap and baby shit.’

And there you have it. This is why I didn’t post in March and most of April. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog reading.

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