Things that go tick-blink-whir in the night

I’d like to make an apology to those in whose homes I have slept overnight and broken, modified, or relocated your guest rooms’ clocks, VCRs, smoke alarms, windows, computers, or nightlights.

In order for me to have a comfortable sleep, it must be dark, quiet, and cold.

 I am a veritable Princess and the noise/light/temperature is my pea.

 On a work-related trip a few years ago to Miami, I got in the emperor-sized bed, sheets crisp, the room chilled to a lovely 69 degrees, only to find myself staring up at a green smoke detector light blipping away overhead.

 I put on my Bucky 40 Blinks sleep mask.

 The green light was staring at me like an evil green eyeball.

 So I got a Band-aid out and got up on the desk. It’s just two nights, I thought, then I can remove the Band-aid when I leave. Of course I forgot to take it down.

 In a room at the Shore Club onSouth Beach, there is a smoke detector that has been blinded. Sorry.

 I’m sorry to my friend Rashmi’s parents for breaking their clock. It’s was strange enough to sleep inIndiaand the wall clock with its own pendulum made me crazy. Like, punch-a-baby-kick-a-puppy-barbaric-yawp crazy. I took it in the bathroom and hung it on a little nail stuck in the wall.

 Around 3 am, I awoke, sure I heard something, but after a stumbling search in the dark, found nothing. In the morning, I realized the clock had crashed to its untimely death (har har) and before I had a chance to tell my hosts, the house servants had cleared it away.

 Ooops. Sorry.

 Blinking VCRs. Travel alarm clocks. A space heater. Several night lights. I’ve propped up pillows in front of you. Turned you totally off. Unplugged you. Put you in closets.

 Sometimes I forget to un-prop pillows, replace plugs, or retrieve banished items from closets. Incidentally, if you are missing your bedside clock and suspect me of thievery, check the closet. If it’s a loudly ticking clock, check the closet in the hall.

 Husband and I have gone around the mulberry bush about noise in the sleeping room. He suggests that fans and humidifiers are doing their job when they make a nice whirring noise. I disagree.

 I’m frankly unsure how I made it through college without committing homicide. College kids are freaking loud.


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