The Juice is Loose: Or, That Time I Did the Juice Diet for a Week

You know I’m not a personal fan of Gwenyth Paltrow, right? I do love many of her films, however, whenever I see her in person, I think, “I wouldn’t invite you to my slumber party.”

I have a secret. I get her newsletter, GOOP. Sometimes it’s ridiculously out of touch, especially the places you should GO… which makes me laugh. Once in a while, there are good recipes. Which is why when I read this by Jenny Muller I was in. Here’s the original GOOP piece here. I’ve been considering something radical for a while now.

SPOILER WARNING: VERY GIRLY WHINING ABOUT WEIGHT ISSUES FOLLOWS.

This summer when I pulled out the old spring/summer wardrobe, I was horrified to discover things DON’T FIT. Mind you, I’m not HUGE or anything, I didn’t put on fifty pounds or seven stone or whatever. I just bumped up a whole size since…high school…  This is the first time I can remember that whole piles of things are uncomfortably snug. We’re not even talking about that “haven’t-worn-it-in-a-while-cant’-remember-how-it’s-sposed-to-fit” feeling. My doctor gives me a mush-mouth answer of, “Well, you’re at that age and there’s the standard american diet and blah blah blah.”  Maybe it’s hormones. Maybe it’s the yoga making my booty bigger.

I’ve had enough. Enough complaining to all who would listen.

I’ll take on your snooty-juice challenge, Paltrow.

Which means I will be chronicling my juicy adventure this week.

I’m only doing this for 5 days, instead of the recommended 7 – mostly because…it is a LOT of produce. And also I’m going to a party next weekend and who wants to be the food buzzkill? Even I (who am unemployed) don’t think I have time to juice so much…

Here’s what’s happened so far:

  • I procured a juicer: A Juiceman Junior, to be specific. It was a pre-used donation to my juicing cause, the only caveat that “it’s very hard to clean.” (More on that in a moment.)
  • I procured things to juice: mostly green things like cucumbers, parsley, and spinach. In case you wondered, fruit and veg really are 95% water. It’s amazing how little juice you get from a POUND of spinach. Due to Husband’s current schedule, we haven’t been to Costco in a week so I need to get there toot sweet and procure further juiceables.
  • I juiced: For two hours, I shoved green things in one end of Juiceman and he spit out green juice. Except for the very beginning, where the instruction manual didn’t tell me I should also put a bowl out to catch the juice and I though the Juiceman was wounded and bleeding green, things went very smoothly. My kitchen smelled like…well…chlorophyll…all the juices were jarred and labeled and stuck in the fridge. Yeah yeah, juice loses it’s nutrients in five minutes blah blah…I don’t believe you.
  • I cleaned up. The inside of the juicer looked just like the inside of a lawnmower…

I am not doing the pHour Salts, which is just a big dose of poo-inducing mineral salts, and have opted for a store-bought liquid salt solution. I am doing the chlorophyll because I’d like to know if that means I will be able to eat sunlight like a plant.

Husband thinks it’s silly and while it won’t hurt me, won’t help, either. I say, “Fie on you, man who can pass a gym and lose weight while gaining muscle without even going into said gym!”

Stay tuned. More to follow.

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